the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the gods

mid sem is next monday. short and sweet test period. im so looking forward to its ending, so that i can take a break from the hectic pace of school. school is not stress, but it’s just that time is passing too fast. its like,abruptly (not really abrupt la), it’s coming to an end of year 2007 and the new year is just how many weeks counting frm nw? oh gosh, so fast.

last weekend was very much tiring yet super satisfied with the companion of Blazers. we won second for the spirit on the course competition , and got to perform twice! the second performance was so much better, okay,maybe not to eveyone,but for me at least. but i guess it doesnt really matters, we enjoyed ourselves to the core and effort was finally paid off. we were happy like dont-knw-what. more of the sharing of standard chartered when the pictures are up.

yes, i want to thank xuexue for giving our friendship a chance once again. i understand its difficult to accept people or rather friends whom u trust in the first place yet hurt you right through your heart,making you feel so left out in the end.im grateful that you let go, and offer a friendly handshake to our friendship again. thank you

thank you chuanz for always being there for me, to share, to rant, to complain, to be retarded. you’re a great shoulder to lean on during bad times, and a wonder companion to enjoy with during happy moments. you’ve always been considered a blessing to me since i knew you months back then.

thank you boyfriend for being such a good and understanding one. you done a lot of things for me, and vice versa,i hope i can too. stay strong, we’ll keep it long. i love you.

thank you huili and jojo for making my night,by smiling so sweetly at me when i saw you guys today at biz park. it really melts my heart,and feel so loved.

gotta study,byeeee.

do you really trust me & do i ?

trust. it is both an emotional and logical act.emotionally,it is where i expose my vulnerabilites to people, believing that they will not take advantage of my openness. i trust you because i’ve experienced your trustworthiness and because i have faith in human nature.

the environment is now surrounded with people who claims that they know what is trust, and understands how to practice trusting. but whether they put them into actions, no one knws the answer.

im not emoing. i just feel like trust is so fragile. someone can abused and break a trust for someone without much effort, yet it takes abundant patience and courage to build it.

im leaving for school in a few hours time to report and start rehearsals. im getting excited about sunday’s competition and performance. i hope blazers will win, and also, stage a successful performance for the 60000 audiences ( oh gosh).

feeling good yet sick. cognitive dissonance.

be back on sunday,standard chartered marathon.

joining a cheerleading team, being a cheerleader, is not that simple that people might think.

in many’s perspectives, what are tp blazers being seen as? a good cheerleading team in all aspects, or just a team with people who speaks more that what they can do. that really depends on what we want to become, what we want people to see us as, what we want to prove. why are we going down for trainings, is it just because of the fun, to get over time, or the passion of learning cheerleading.

to many, cheerleading is gay and these goes especially for the guys. let us think, if our team mates are not even proud of being a cheerleader in tp blazers, doing the different aspects of stunts, dance and cheer properly as taught, how do others see us as? their perspective for you as a gay never changes. why do we even need to care abt what others see abt our cca, our sport,our passion? the only way is to love it, do it well, and kick the asses of those who looked down on cheerleading far away.

Cheerleading is a sport and a 109 year old institution that uses organized routines made from elements of tumbling, dance, and stunting to direct the event’s spectators to cheer on sports teams at games and matches and/or compete at cheerleading competitions.

this was what i thought cheerleading is about. but now,i realised its more than that. its like dance, you cant dance when you dont love dancing. you dance with a purpose, you dance with pride. a good dance puts her mind and soul into dancing, she transforms her love and passion for dance through the moves she takes. and yes, same logic applies here. how i be a cheerleader in the first place, when i dont love my cca?

mutual respect, discipline, expectations, achievement, attitude, emotions, good team spirit, love for the team, the team mates, our coach. these is what we shld work on.

like huiting said, im a cheerleader. if im not cheerful, who else will be. although its like a simple use of words, it really comforts me a lot.

on the verge of breaking down, but i believe i wont. every year, there bound to be difficulties coming along to disrupt our comfortable lifestyles. i havent been facing much of a problem adapting to sch and my sch mates,ive got into the coolest cca i had nvr thought i wld, pointing fingers up high shouting ” go tp blazers”, and definitely, everything seemed to be on the right track. now that problems are emerging, i was very disturbed by all of them initially. but right now, it seemed like nothing to me, but challenges waiting desperately for me to overcome. you see, seeing things frm a different perspective really helps. its a matter of whether your words did impact me, did inspired me abt my behaviors or rather changed me into a better person. i wldnt say it didnt,because to some extent i agreed that i might hv inflicted hurt into friends around me unknowingly. But arent people borned to learn. who does things with a purpose in mind to harm others ? the answer is no. we dont, and i dont.

some things in life are so unpredictable. like friendships. they can be so unbreakable yet that fragile. no understandings, but only expectations of a change. reflect. i think everyone needs to. years down the road, u may find what has happened and is happening now, extremely immature. i dont refer to who specifically, for whoever might start making assumptions that it’s you and kick up a big mess of a issue again.

life is short, im not gnna breakdown, im not gnna go emo abt anything. this is challenge, i will overcome, and grow from it. when people dont accept who i am in the first place, i dont see any point worth worrying here. all i need is strength, and i will keep moving on.

i wanted to cry and share. but soon,i realised nothing comes out of it. my perspective is different frm theirs, and i wld nt change myself for it is what God has blessed me with.

everyday trainings came back again. standard chartered marathon is this sunday,and we tp blazers are gnna win the competition. it was told last min that we will be staging a performance too. so kind of grabbed the tp rawks routine to perform. the feeling is different. during those days of tprawks rehearsal trainings, the feeling is very tense, and full of excitement. not that im not now,but it really feels not the same,maybe due to higher expectations of ourselves. but i can say, tp blazers is what im a proud to be in.

i am very sorry to take things hard on you. i kneww u’ve got nthing to do with me getting sad,disappointed and hurt, yet i chose to vent my fustrations on you and shoved bad attitudes. i wasnt firm and strong enough, i let my emotions took control over me. i cldnt think much, and yes like you said, you ‘re a human too,with feelings.

im hurt,badly.

am i really that oblivious to things that are happening. yes,i think i am. but in the first place, i dont know,like seriously swear to the max that i dont knw what the hell is going on. i dont knw what’s the problem here,i dont understand why people gave me cold shoulders, commit hurtful actions , and treat me like i dont exist. no one tells me exactly the issue or issues that made them think of me in anyways they’ve thought. no one. and they continued trusting the words of rumours. see the power of words,they influences people. if u r unhappy with me, why wont u tell me right in the face. i dont mind, because u will nvr know that one cld hv actually misunderstood the other party for no actions and thoughts are intentional. its true, ive nvr wanted to harm or hurt anyone,any friendships, new or old. but people trust words, rather than me the victim. im not saying that who holds the fault now,and who is to be blamed. im seriously not interested. im only pushed to find solutions to solve things. not that we can resolve everything at one goal, one at a time. im trying real hard people, cant u see it.

relationship and friendship is not easy to handle,really. put urself in my shoes, both is of equal importance. we cant take it as,which comes first and how long ive knw you. ive to be responsible to both, ive to make out quality time for both, ive to knw how to manage them all at a same time. its difficult. im not like God, who knws how to handle every situation,im not as great as him being able to cope with both. but im learning,really hard. i hope people dont based ur judgement just by looking at me having a boyfriend, and there after,infer that many a times, i let go and leave my friends behind because of him. not true, what about trainings and other commitments? just because of a guy, people generalise that all my time is for him,and that i dont worth to be nice to.

many issues coming in, and i really will need to be strong. although i still cry at times,when im damn disappointed and upset. but i think crying doesnt mean im weak, doesnt mean im useless, doesnt mean im pretendious with a motive to show others everything isnt my fault but any other elses’. i cry,because im sad,because im hurt and i need the cry to let go of those tight emotions within me. crying is private, and i dont need people so see me in tears, pity me. all i need is to feel better, and the nxt time,i’ll be okay.

before i end my entry, i wld like to make some post dedications.

jiesheng – hello my friend,hope that u can understand i still do care abt our friendship. it seemed that a lot of friendship problems have emerged because of you-knw-what reasons. but i really u can understand, im feeling bad too but im trying. u may see no actions frm me to save friendships, but what im referring to as ”im trying”, is sorting out my thoughts on how i wanna manage. things are bad on my side, and i wanna share it with you once again.

Huili – oh gosh,my best friend cum lost friend. i didnt lose you,because i dont knw why,i can feel that u r always there for me. im not a wonderful friend, in terms that i might hv hurt u in anyways,but what i cld say here will be a sincere sorry. you’re still my best friend.

xue er- things might seemed falling apart,but i knw,it will be fine soon. trust me, and us. dont let others and those unreal rumours affect u anymore, it causes more misunderstandings.

jashawn- im happy, yet disappointed. you arent there when i need you at my weakest moment.

blazers- i want more and more extra trainings, so that i train and think of nothing else!

basically rotted at hme with mummy daddy and my cousin today. took some self affiliated photos which looked very retarded.

sam’s birthday. great dinner at heeren’s vila ge. though many people didnt turn up, still it was a good catch up. chengyee fainted during her run and was admitted to hospi, michelle and joy was with her, so that made three of them not present. quite a shocking piece of news that she actually fainted, because she has always been a fit and fast runner. i was kind of worried to hear that, but hope she will be in good hands of the doctors and recover fast to join us back for standard chartered trainings. faezah minyi jun and me shared the food together, so that it’ll be cheaper and more worthed it. we didnt eat like a lot a lot though but the girls said they’re smhow full alrd, so we stopped the order although i was still groaning in hunger. but still, it was nice eating with them. there bound to be laughter with andrea ken justin and felicia around. we had a good time laughing so much that the food we consumed seem to hv reached the brim, oh gosh. genevieve made a cake look-alike cupcakes for the celebration. it’s extremely sweet looking, that almst everyone cldnt bear to eat them, except for me.

minyi : omgzzz cheryl, u eat alrd?

me : yeah,very nice !

minyi and me : hehehe

finally managed to catch up with jun too,its like since so long i laughed and talked to her that much. usually during trainings, we dont speak a lot for dont-knw-wad-reasons, she looks moody and sad like mst of the time. it feels nice to see her smile again, her smile really brightens people’s lives,smile more my dear.

after presenting sam her prezzie which is a ripcurl bikini suit, i went off to meet jashawn. his dad came to fetch me up,so nice of them yeah cos it’s super jam and crowded in town.cars are stucked and its difficult to drive. thanks and sorry uncle! on the way,called his mum to say a few words before she leaves for malaysia. she seemed happy to hear me on phone, and that made me glad too. hopes she comes back as happy as how she feels when she set off.

friends. now, i seemed to have distant from them. in their eyes, im like a barrier cant wait to be removed and settled off. they seemed pissed with me,unhappy with wadever that i did. but hey, i feel so lost here,not knwing a single issue in the whole issue. please, wouldnt u guys tell me what happened that caused the drift and unhappiness btw all of us. talking behind me wldnt help solved the prob my dears, it worsen ppl views abt us, and we ourselves, wont be any happy afterall. u see,im not sad or do i bear any emotions in me right now,im just curious what the hell i did when ive no intentions to do any harm to our friendships right frm the start.

MANY PICTURES,MANY MEMORIES!

to think that friends actually treat one another in such a way, it’s just so disappointing. not that im so close to you that what u did and said have impacted me so much to the extent that im badly hurt or upset abt it. i did not felt despaired at all. just a moment of rage for being accused and hving to take an innocent blame for what ive not done and not even a bit aware of everything. after much deep pondering, it seemed like i dont even need to be furious or displeased abt anything for it’s not worth for such a small matter that others dont think of it as crucial. friends are around for a reason, they are there for a good cause. i believe their presence brightens life of one another,they are there for to love us,and for us to love. i cant imagine myself without the circle of friends i have right now,the number of extra ordinary friendships im holding on to, and the security these buddies cld supply. i want friends who are real, who contains nthing harmful in their minds but carries a genuine heart that cares and loves me for who i am. generally, i dont think you understand the significance of friendship to me. disappointed. disappointed that you bear to point fingers at me, shove the blames all to me and her, just to protect you yourself from misunderstandings. not that im important to you that u must be nice to me, not backstab me and love me wholeheartedly as a friend. but hey, this is mutual respect and basic ways to handle a friendship. im not here to be make used, im not here waiting to be taken for granted. i treated you like a friend despite the look downs and hurtful things that u said but didnt realised it did caused a impact. no, i shld say, you’re just an acquaintance. you’re here in my life,just because we all need friends, we are classmates and we are a clique. not because of the wants, but the need for all u knw, no one wish to turn out as a loner or rather,anti social geek who sits and goes everywhere alone. even as acquaintance,i longer can accept your thoughts, ur words and actions that u cld bring yourself to commit on people whom u seemed to befriend with. it’s the two sides of you, that makes me wanna leave. it brings fear and distrust in which if it’s worth value-ing what u seems to be doing on the surface. im fine,perfectly infact. not angry,not upset,not having any emotions abt what has happened. im still me, and we’re still the four of us. the only matter that have changed is the trust. once u hv abused my trust for you, all perspective and impression i used to carry will all be drained away.

friendship and relationship. i read an entry abt being able to manage time spent with friends,and boyfriend. seems like, things turn out fine when only i have the ability to strike a balance between both. the amazing issue here,is to be able to lead the way i used to in addition to a extra commitment. its either i handle both well enough, or i will lose one. that’s the way it should be. many friends afraid to step into a relationship not that they dont wish to. who doesnt want to receive love, a shoulder to lean on, a comforting hug during terrible moments, and a person to share memories together. i guessed all humans yearn for that. but having to enjoy these, one has to be prepared to face commitments and challenges that comes along. the fear of losing friendships because of less time spent with them, this is one of the several reasons why people are terrified of. many of my friends who holds a relationship ended up either breaking up with her boyfriend or losing a best friend. but still, there’s a humble sum of couples who stayed together for years,and still managed to lead both a happy and enjoyable love and friendship life. things wont changed that much if i can handle well. it’s not easy of course,but it takes time to adjust and make changes.

im down with fever and bad headache now. the pain feels as if it hates me and cant wait to murder me. im gng for training.

being persistant,i think the effort will be paid off one day.

i love you.

i need a good sleep.goodnight.